Discovering new places on this Earth was the driving force behind my desire for travel. Witnessing waterfalls, and cascading hills and mountaintops and views that you can’t find within the boundaries of the UK. I guess you could say I was chasing awe. I wanted to behold a view, suck in a gasp and feel my heart fly with profound admiration.
The day to day isn’t like that though. It can, in fact, be similarly mundane as a day to day in England working a 9-5. Rain, doing the laundry, uninspiring places and depressing car parks.
Restlessly looking forward
I don’t know what it is that I’ve begun to feel, but it’s a sort of questioning unrest. Questioning in terms of “what am I going to do for the rest of my life?”. I am here, living the biggest dream of my 25 years of life, and I’m still asking myself “well, what should I do for the rest of it?”.
I don’t think its unusual to think these things, but I believe it is detrimental when these thoughts begin to take away from the present moment. The ‘You got over that medical trauma, you did it, you followed your dreams, you’re travelling in Australia’ are thoughts that I can’t hold onto forever. Maybe it’s because I’m the type of person that is more satisfied working towards something.
Trying to look inward
So here I am, at 25, about to turn 26 thinking to myself, who really am I? Who do I want to be? In the midst of these thoughts I’m also thinking ‘Does it matter?’ ‘Can’t I be here, right now, and just enjoy it? Isn’t that what life is about? Isn’t that what I was chasing after?’.
Why is it that we so often think we should do one thing for the rest of our lives? Why am I having that specific thought ‘but what will I do for the rest of my life?’ There aren’t many people that do one thing forever and even fewer that strive for that.
I love meeting the people who seem like they’ve lived a thousand lives. ‘How interesting it must be’ I think to myself ‘that you’ve done this and this and this and this’. I would love to meet people in the future and be the one that can say ‘I was a scientist, and then a yoga teacher, and then I started my own business making Kimchi and Kombucha, and now I organise retreats’.
Maybe that will be me. But I still have stuck in my head that I should be on one path and stick to it. It’s like I’m arguing with myself, but am I arguing with myself, or am I arguing with the ingrained idea of how one should live their lives based on society’s perspective?
Career questions
I studied long and hard to obtain my Biochemistry degree, I worked in the industry for a total of 4 years and I really enjoyed what I did. I felt stimulated intellectually and also (somewhat) morally rewarded, but I had conflict with the way the biotech industry works. In fact, the way the entire scientific research works. It’s impossible for the incentives to be 100% for the patient who is suffering with some condition or illness, which was the reason I began my studies.
I won’t fully go into that now, but it’s playing tug of war with my life choices. In addition, with the rise of remote working I’ve realised I want a career that enables me to work mainly from home, with the flexibility of being able to watch the sunrise and sunset or to go out and enjoy the sunshine when it briefly appears, or time to make some bread between meetings or researching.
Do I find a job that affords me these luxuries or do I make one myself? Why am I thinking so much about my future career at the moment? While I’m here in Australia? Why does it seem so significant to me. Does the thought of knowing what I’m doing comfort me? When I know, and have first hand experience, that life does not and absolutely will not, go as you plan it.
The journey continues
Is it that I’m lacking patience to wait for things may come to arrive? Am I just a control freak that needs to know what’s happening? I like to think I can go with the flow but perhaps at a deeper level that is unsettling me for some reason.
All of these are questions and speculations and I think it may take some time before any answers come up, but approaching 26 I think I’m reading to start exploring those answers.
Consider this the beginning of some introspective thought. The beginning of figuring out who am I, what do I like, trusting myself and exploring what living is really about. Now is as good a time as any, given I’m unemployed and chilling round Australia place to place. Writing them down helps so I guess all of my readers will be here for the journey too.
