Welcome to another of my Monday musings. This time, I consider travel as a sacrifice and how challenging it can be to live in the moment, even when that moment was everything you wanted.
Missing home
I’m currently missing home and it’s difficult to miss home. I know if I was at home then I’d be longing to be exactly where I am: lounging in the sunshine, listening to the crashing waves.
Travel is not only a dream fulfilled but also a dream sacrificed. What I mean by this, is all the contrasting dreams I have that I’m not choosing to live out in this moment. The dreams that cannot be fulfilled simultaneously. I can’t be travelling Australia living in a van, while also living in my own home in the English countryside with a dog and starting our family.
Live in the moment, they say, appreciate what you have. Heck, it’s what I say too. Sometimes it’s much easier to give advice than to take it yourself. I have about a million dreams. I know they won’t all be satisfied, but it’s wanting two at the same time which is causing me frustration and discomfort. Even if I know that it will come in the future.
Time is a fickle thing though isn’t it? Perhaps it’s a deep knowing of the truth that no day is guaranteed. The future is not promised. You’d think that realisation is enough to be truly present and appreciate each moment, but it also ignites some sort of rush. A sense of urgency.
You can’t have it all at once
Travelling Australia in a van means I can’t be with my family when we lose a beloved pet. It means I can’t pop round my friend’s house on her birthday. Can’t even get a decent Sunday roast, it means I can’t even cook one because we have no access to an oven.
It means we can only dream about the day we get a dog, a home of our own. It means knowing when we get back to England we’ll be starting again. It’s knowing the longer we stay out here, the longer it will be until we can start again. The longer it will be to live the other dreams we have.
The saying goes “you can have it all, just not all at the same time”. How do you find peace within this? Maybe the peace is the acceptance of it. How do you live in the present and appreciate each moment when there’s another dream you’re unable to live.
Reality check
I understand following any of my dreams means I’m in a place of incredible privilege. Knowing I can close this chapter with a dream come true and start another dream? So what’s wrong with me? Why can’t I be submerged in one and appreciate every moment without looking to the future with longing, as though right now is not enough?
Is it the human condition? The ability to look to the future and past even when it doesn’t exist, means it’s harder to take what is the here and now as all there truly is?
It seemed easier for me when it was all new and fresh. Before I started missing the roast dinners, before I felt the chill of wind and began to miss that cosy feeling in warm socks and jumpers, hot chocolates by the fire.
It was easier when I knew it was a dream fulfilled, so soon after believing there was a chance it would remain unfulfilled. Is it homesickness? Am I taking this life for granted now? Do I need to practise appreciating the here and now? Shove the dream that’s dancing at the edge of my vision away? Remind myself how much I wanted to be here?
My biggest concern of all- is this how I’m going to feel all the time? Always feeling like one dream is being sacrificed over another? I often feel itchy to move on. Get to the next place. Move on, move on. Go, go, go.
A lifelong lesson
Is it just that I’ve forgotten how frustrating the English-summer-that-never-comes is? How miserable I feel in the winter time with such little sunlight and warmth?
Living in the moment is something I keep striving for. Those moments where you look around you and feel blissfully aware of how special everything is, precisely as it is. But living in the moment is also a lot harder than it sounds.
Maybe I have too much time. Too much time to think about the ‘what-ifs’ and the ‘whens’. Maybe when we get back to working, I’ll be reminded of how time flies and how precious it is. How necessary it is to enjoy the moment in order to be happy.
I know I’m responsible for my own happiness. I know living in the present is a choice. As is appreciating the moment. It would seem this is something to practise and master, and I’m not there yet, but I’ll keep trying.
I’ll keep trying. After all, my surroundings right now look a bit like this: blue sky with a few wispy clouds. The winter sun, so warm on my skin, like a hug from the sky. The breeze has a slight edge, making it chilly enough for a jumper, but far from the brittle cold I know well. Soft grass, prancing puppies and proud pooches. The sea is a mere 100 metres from where I sit, glittering in the sun and carrying surfers along its waves.
I chose this life, and I’m still choosing this life- but I know I won’t be mine forever, so as a reminder to myself: enjoy it while it lasts.
